Monday, November 23, 2009

Thanks for the Memories

We all know Thanksgiving is this Thursday and this time of year is when we all take a moment to reflect on the good things in life, the things we are thankful for...

And sometimes that's hard, especially this year. This year has been hard. There have been a lot of things this year that we've had to struggle with, struggle though, and struggle to comprehend and I have a difficult time finding reasons to be thankful for such struggles. Death, no work, bad economy, 12 months of negative pregnancy tests, rude/thoughtless relatives, rude/thoughtless co-workers, too much rain...the list flows like floodwater, especially this year.

But, there is also something that comes with struggle and that is strength. And even though it is harder than hell to look past what is right in front of you to find the thing that keeps you going, it's important to try. This is what separates us as survivors in life.

So here is my list of thanks for the strength I've found through the struggles:
-Danny has worked 2 months in 2009. This has made life a definate struggle financially and emotionally, but we've perservered through it and managed to both make ends meet and do a lot of home projects. We've also learned to cope with the stress of no work, so I'm thankful for that.
-There have been instances where people have shocked me with their rudeness and thoughlessness, even relatives in our family. I've really struggled with letting the resentments for these people go this year, but I find that in doing so, I no longer have to harbor feelings of resentment. It doesn't change them, but nothing will. I, however, do not have to make myself feel worse because they lack a level of maturity and sensitivity. So they can have it, and I'll move on and be thankful that I am able to do so.
-Our house is still for sale. I realize many people have faced this and are currently in the same boat due to our current state of economy. I would be so happy if someone would just buy the damn thing, but I'm thankful for our situation and that we don't have to make 2 mortgage payments, we don't have to go through foreclosure, we can just ride this out until it's over.
-12 months of being told "no" sucks, plain and simple. I never thought it would take so long for us to get pregnant and during those 12 months it was very hard to hold on to hope that nothing was wrong. Turns out, nothing was wrong and here we are, 5 months pregnant. For that I'm thankful, but I've also realized I'm thankful for that year. If nothing else, we learned that having a baby is something we truly want. During our moments of stress and worry, it's still something we desperately wanted and our resolve was tested. So now we get to fully enjoy the experience of waiting without worry for our child to be born. Nerves, sure, but not worry.
-And that leads me to death. I want to say that I am in no way thankful for losing my Dad. He wasn't in pain, he wasn't sick, he wasn't ready and I'm can't find any "thanks" for his passing. I would give it all back to have him back, but unfortunately, that's not how it works. And everyday it's a struggle to think about and deal with and everyday I have to find the strength to deal. But a lot of days I do find that strength and I am able to deal with it. For this I am thankful and I credit this to my dad. Somehow, I believe, he made it possible for me to go on without him here. And the strength I've gained by going through that whole experience is something no one can take from me. It's almost a bravery to face the unknown. Many times in life you try to prepare yourself for bad news by picturing the worst thing that could happen to you and thinking of a coping mechanism for that. Well I've been through the worst and look at me, I'm doing alright. So what else is there to fear? What else is there to worry about? Not much, and for that I am thankful. Thanks, still keep me going.

So there you have it. A list of struggle that I've taken control of and giving a new spin to. For that ability, I am thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!


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