Friday, August 21, 2009

Gone Too Soon

My dad died on Wednesday.
It was 100% unexpected.

I can hardly fathom that I'm even typing this, but here I am.  Typing.  My dad suffered a heart attack in 2005, a pretty major one at that.  That was also 100% unexpected, but the genetics in his family are not heart-favorable.  However, he recovered really well.  For the next 3 years he was fit, lost weight (not that he really needed to), ate even better than before, and everything seemed cool.  He had a pacemaker/defibrilator put in and we all moved along in life.

Then, this past January, his device was needed to shock him back to life after he quickly passed out while walking.  Again, scary and unexpected, but he really bounced back from that too and even gained a whole new positive outlook on life and coined the slogan "I can't take it to heart because my heart can't take it."  meaning that none of us should dwell on the negativity in our lives because it will get to you in the end.

Over the last couple weeks and months, he'd been experience some dizzy spells and falls, and we were told it was his meds, not his heart.

On Wednesday my dad was having a fantastic day.  He was happy, upbeat and enjoying everyone around him.  He decided to golf, alone, and on hole 11, he went down.  Fellow golfers got to him and called 911, gave him CPR and got a hold of my mom.  He was taken to the ER, but in the end, his heart was just worn out and "couldn't take it" anymore.  I was there, with Danny and Mom and my sister arrived just after Dad passed away at 5:05pm.  We sat with him awhile after that...bizarre.

These past few days have not been my favorite.  A lot of the time I'm okay, holding it together, but then I need a couple minutes to lose it.  Every so often I catch myself just staring off thinking, "wow, Dad is gone."  It's absolutely surreal.  And it absolutely sucks.

I debated blogging anything about this, but the subtitle to my blog is "the thoughts and events of my life" and this was certainly an event and here are my thoughts.  I already know that I feel Dad with me now, but it's still so ridiculous to me that I am even going through this that I can't fully appreciate it yet, but in time, I know I will.

I left Mom's house this evening for the first time since Wednesday evening.  I don't like to think of her there alone for even a night, but she's the strongest person I know in life.  I still pray for her strength and comfort.

I guess I'll wrap it up by saying that my dad was my hero.  He was and will continue to be the standard to which I measure all other people, male and female.  A lot of people I run into day to day do not measure up and for them I am sorry, but there are people who do come close, like my husband, who I think is somehow a small reincarnation of my dad.  I thank God for that.  My dad has always been the epitome of cool and I credit all my random knowledge and musical appreciation to him.  Thank you, Dad, for the 26 years I had to know you and be loved by you.  No daughter has ever felt more love.

Love you forever, with me always.



Cecilia said...

Oh, Erin, my heart breaks over and over and over again for you, your mom, Emily, Austin, Nick & Danny. I cried reading your post, and I know that you will remember and honor your dad every day. You and Emily are so fortunate to have such a wonderful, strong, and very close family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you!!! --Cecilia

Emily said...

This is a wonderful post. No one could have said it better. I love you and you've been such a constant source of comfort and strength not only these past few days but forever in my life! I'm always here.


Anonymous said...

This was beautiful Erin! I wouldn't expect anything less from an Evan's girl.

Kimberly Olson

Leslie said...

praying for you family... so much so...

loosing people is hard.
so so hard.

really trully praying